Men lie to women. Women lie to men. And most people agree that some lying is even necessary — to avoid petty squabbles and to grease the wheels of a relationship.
But there are crucial differences in the lies women and men tell. A study by psychologist Bella M. DePaulo of the University of Virginia found that when women lie, they tend to focus on making others feel better — such as the woman who tells her hostess that dinner is “simply delicious” even as she cringes with every mouthful.
At the heart of many men’s lies, however, is the male ego. Men lie to build themselves up or to conceal something, DePaulo says. According to psychologist Michael Lewis in the book Lying and Deception in Everyday Life, men are more likely to lie to enhance themselves than women are.
“Me? I graduated top of my class.”
This is a classic case of the runaway male ego, designed to present a man in the best light and impress a woman. When the lies continue into marriage, it’s not long before the truth will be let out.
Normally, as trust builds, a man drops these types of lies. If he doesn’t, his spouse needs to be careful. A man who can’t be honest about his failures — at work or elsewhere — may end up blaming his wife when the going gets tough in their marriage.
“Of course I like your friends!”
The lies to make a woman fall in love or stay in love account for many truth-stretchers. A man I know told his girlfriend, “You’re a great cook — much better than my mother.” In fact, his mother is a chef at a well-known restaurant. Fortunately for him, by the time his girlfriend discovered the truth — when they dined at his mother’s restaurant — she was so in love that she forgave his overzealous compliment. Ego-stroking statements that turn out to be total lies may be designed to cover up opposite feelings
“Honey, you’re the best.”
One of the most lied-about subjects has to be sex. Perhaps that’s because it’s the area where we are most vulnerable. Here again men are likely to lie.
A male colleague once confided to me that there were things he hated about his wife’s lovemaking. But he couldn’t bring them up because he’d spent years telling her she was “the greatest” in bed. By continually lying to her, he had placed real limitations on their love life — and their marriage.
“No, I can’t call you. I don’t even know where I’ll be.”
These are the sad lies, the ones he tells because he’s falling out of love. The more quickly a woman seeks the truth behind these lies, the sooner she can remedy the relationship — or, if necessary, end it.
“That dress isn’t too tight. It looks great!”
By and large, these are the good lies — the ones that show he cares. But kind lies can be too much of a good thing if a man habitually says only what his partner wants to hear. It sets the woman up for rude awakenings. After all, if the dress she’s wearing really is too tight, has he done her a favour?
“They’re downsizing at work. But don’t worry. They won’t get me.”
Many men still feel paternalistic about the women they love, so they lie to spare them worry.
But these lies can destroy the very sense of confidence that the man hoped to create. And they can make a woman feel she is not a respected partner in the relationship.
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